Career Satisfaction

Jefferson Dinner, Part One: How To Assess Fulfillment In Your Work

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Last night I participated in a "Jefferson Dinner" that a friend hosted in which ten people were brought together to eat and hold an orderly, respectful, and deep conversation. The host pitched a thought-provoking question and we participants could only speak one at a time, in order around the circle, so that we were forced to actively listen to the responses of everyone else. 

The subject of the event was The Future of Work and The Paradigm of Full Time. Our conceptions of "work", where the job economy is headed, statistics about freelancing and entrepreneurship, and how to continue focusing on personal fulfillment and career satisfaction were discussed.

The three total questions that we covered throughout the evening reflected on our past, present, and future ideas of work in our society. Even though our answers were all so unique and they started very differently about our pasts and how we entered the workforce, common themes emerged by the end when we discussed the future of work that we hope will be possible. 

To optimize survival, human beings seek both certainty and uncertainty.

The certainty we crave is familiarity. Reliable patterns of things that we can respond to with efficiency and fluidity because it becomes practiced. The uncertainty we crave is novelty. We all still want something new. Our brains need novel stimulation. Even though I resist the routined life of a 9-5 job and so lack a lot of the certainty that is common in the working world, I still have a lot of certainty on which I can rely, examples of which include shelter, electricity, and a support system. With regard to work, certainty is often interpreted as the security of a paycheck or the environmental security of an office in which work is undertaken. These certainties provide a foundation on top of which you can navigate your enjoyment of the work.

If things became too certain and predictable and efficient, though, humans would become bored. If machines automated my life and I rarely had to put effort in, I would not know what to do with myself because I would crave some kind of novelty to evolve. Novelty for a lot of people means materialistic possession, like buying the newest phone that comes out or the newest car. Novelty in work, however, can be found on a wide wide spectrum and is different for everyone.

Novelty is newness that implies opportunity. Opportunity implies choice. Choice implies freedom and agency. And finally, agency offers empowerment.

Once you are able to recognize choices within your work and the personal agency you have to make work what you want it to be, you have the opportunity for your work to be fulfilling. Even though I just described this so eloquently and simply, it is not often that simple in practice. Many variables affect your choices as well as your emotions around those choices. This is why walking the uphill path to fulfillment consists of stubbing your toe, someone tripping you, getting one foot stuck in quicksand, someone pulling your arm one way, and a strong wind gusting against you in some form every day. 

So what do we do about it? How do we even think about fulfillment in our work when there are so many variables involved?

Let us start by taking stock of your unique work situation right now. 

Security, Agency, and Fulfillment were the three themes that arose from the discussion last night, so let us use these as the frames through which we reflect on our work:

  1. Security:  what in your work provides you with a sense of security, reliability, and certainty right now? 
  2. Agency:   what about your work affects your independent agency? Do you have the freedom of choice in your role? Are you micromanaged? Are you asked for your input? What role does choice have in your job?
  3. Fulfillment:  what do you hope for, deep down? What do you wish was different in your current work? What do you fantasize about related to work?

Please answer these honestly as they pertain to you. Do not say that money provides you with security just because you think that should be the answer. Use the above questionnaire as a scorecard to shed light on your current mindset about work. After you answer those three, look at your answers and ask:

  • What sticks out to you?
  • Which question was hardest to answer?
  • Which answer feels heaviest to you?

You may find that one theme feels more stressful than the others. Highlight that one and reflect on why. That will be the starting point from which you begin working towards fulfillment. If you are fulfilled in your work, great! I want to know how you got there. What was the process for you?

If anything arose as the most important concept at dinner last night, it was that we humans are still seeking fulfillment, so why not work on it together

How To Innovate, Evolve, And Do What You Want

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If you followed my gospel from last week, you have already begun to rephrase how you do things "right or wrong" into doing things that are healthy for you and things that you genuinely want to do. Now that the pressure is lifted, how do you evolve? By innovating. 

I feel like no word is safe anymore because innovation, though an old word, is now such a buzz word in the business world. Ever since that fruit company (Apple, is it?) got in the habit of pumping out multiple products in a calendar year, businesses took the importance of making new products more seriously instead of relaxing on those that have worked for years. 

Humans need progress to feel adequate. 

No matter how small, one new step makes a big psychological difference in someone's self-worth. The past two weeks' posts have revisited the concepts of Commitment and Resilience in practice. Following the sequence, this week is about Adaptability. Now that the pressure of doing things right or wrong is alleviated, you have the free mental space to innovate, pivot, adapt, or transition in order to evolve in your work.

WHAT TO DO

The cool part is that judging decisions and risks based on what is healthy / what you want is now your secret weapon that can be employed in your product innovation as well. Here is how. Innovation can occur in three ways:

  1. You design the new product and implement it yourself because you want to and it feels awesome. 
  2. You design the new product and delegate its implementation to someone else because you only enjoy the design aspect and implementing it is not a healthy use of your time.
  3. You know that you want to innovate something new but you do not enjoy designing the new product or implementing it, so you delegate the whole project to someone else and act as its supervisor to approve whether it aligns with your vision.

Notice how all three of those were about what you as the owner wants and finds to be a healthy use of your time and skills? Pretty awesome how that works. And easier than you thought, huh?

REAL TALK

Even though the pressure of doing it right or wrong or perfect is gone, of course there is pressure involved with innovation. Market research is important so that you know what customers need and so that you can innovate to those exact requirements instead of guessing and praying. Amongst the pressure, listening to your genuine interest barometer helps you prioritize what ideas to pursue. 

I started my business as a creative and had to balance it with the business logistics I committed myself to learning over time. As a creative, it should be no surprise that I have a surplus of ideas that I would enjoy creating for my business. Because I am the only member of my team at the moment, I prioritize the little things that I can add for clients right now to augment the experience of working with me. "Well sure, Taylor, that makes sense because you have to do that for clients in order to stay in business." Yes, but ONLY BECAUSE I WANT TO.

I repeat: because I want to.

I am facing the need to innovate in lots of ways right now, and I am doing the market research for it, but I consistently decide how to spend my energy based on what would be healthy for my goals to work on in this moment. 

WHAT IS NEXT

Hey all you non-entrepreneurs out there! This works for you as well. For those of you who work in a corporate job, what evolution do you currently seek? What is your ultimate goal in your current role? What innovative steps do you want to take to get there? This could be a conversation with a boss, collaborating with a colleague in a different department, or taking a weekend workshop to acquire a new skillset.

Let us break it down.

#1 Starting: Whether you are an entrepreneur innovating a new product or a corporate employee hoping to evolve within the company, start by thinking like a creative. Start listing out any bit of an idea that comes to mind and break it down a little more if you can. Map it out if you can. Draw a flow chart of what it would need to be born. If you do not identify as creative, then only list things out. Stick to words for now. Write down whatever comes to mind.

#2 Learning: Whoever your audience or community is, fire up the ole Google and research whether the ideas' keywords you wrote down relate to any current need in the market. If it does not, that is okay. It may down the road, so do not erase it. Move on to the next one. 

#3 Acting: If you found an idea that strikes in the market, ask yourself whether or not that is interesting for you personally to work on.

#3a  If it is not interesting for you to work on, is it still interesting to you to have in your business? If so, what kind of help do you need?

#3b If you do not know what kind of help you need for it, who is someone you know that you can ask: "hey, do you have advice on who I would ask to help with ________?" Simple as that. 

#3c If it is interesting for you personally to work on, how do you go about starting? Do you have the necessary knowledge or skills to do it? If not, with which requirement would you want to start?

You will feel pressure at every turn of your business or job. Your interest in your professional evolution gives you motivation. Your motivation faces up to the pressure in the moment. Asking yourself what action you want to take from there is the positive step forward. 

You Are Thinking About "Right and Wrong" All Wrong

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DO THE RIGHT THING.

YOU ARE DOING THIS WRONG.

IS THIS RIGHT?

WHERE DID I GO WRONG?

Do you ever ask these questions? Better yet, do these questions rule your life? Are you distracted by doing things "correctly"? "I want to do it right" is probably the most common problem I hear clients complain about when we discuss obstacles to their success. I hate this notion that there is a right or a wrong way to do things in life. That is right, I just said Hate. Oooo, strong word! It is the most unhealthy mindset because it puts so much pressure on you to be perfect. Look back at my post on making imperfect action a few weeks ago. So many people think that something has to be perfect for it to be put to market or submitted to a boss. 

WHAT TO THINK

Of course you want to complete something well and feel proud of it, like that science project you spent a week constructing in high school for the science fair, but using the words Right and Wrong puts more pressure on you than is already there for the task.

Example 1, Creating a logo: Holy cannoli people think this has to be perfect. The first pressure in getting a logo made is whether or not you as the business owner likes the logo. A mere emotional reaction. The second pressure is when the business owner worries whether or not it is perfect for their brand. Uh-oh, now there is a double stack of pressure and only one of them actually matters! 

Spoiler alert: the emotional response one has to the logo is the only answer you need. It determines how well suited the logo is for the brand. It is a beneficial double whammy. Which means you are left with the extra layer of pressure dangling off the side that relates more to how the world will perceive your brand, and not the logo itself. Which means you do not need that pressure while the logo is being made. Which means you need to chill out. There is no right or wrong. 

Example 2, Nobody likes your product: This is where right or wrong really hits home like a wrecking ball for people. When an owner gets feedback that their service was not effective or the customer did not enjoy the product, this must mean the entrepreneur is a failure. Better luck next time. 

NOPE. This means that you now have data to inform how to change your product...if you WANT to. That is the key. What do you WANT to do with the feedback? 

Feeling like a failure is a choice. You call yourself that. It is another story you tell. 

Do not worry, I am guilty of it too. I am guilty of thinking that there was a right way to progress in life. Originally I thought that the right way was to get good grades in high school so that I go to a good college, work hard there so I get a job, go to grad school so that I can become an "expert", and then settle into a career that makes money. A lot of people do this, and it is not wrong to do so. But thinking that there is one single right way to do this life thing is not true and it is not healthy. 

I thought it until I got a bad grade in a class and realized that it was not going to impact my work prospects after college. I thought it until I realized that my gut was not compelling me to go back to graduate school as I thought it "should" have over the past six years. It does not matter when you do something, because it is YOUR choice based on YOUR desire. It is nobody's business to tell you when you must do something. 

I know what some of you are thinking: "But Taylor, there is definitely right and wrong. I could lose my job if I do or say the wrong thing."  True, sure. There is a wrong answer to math problems (I would know, I struggled with math). There are inappropriate things to do at work that threaten your employment (I would not know because I am an angel). But I encourage you to think of the words differently.

WHAT TO DO

"Right" and "Wrong" have a heavy, sharp, pressured connotation to them. Even if you feel like you did something "right", you feel the pressure about it. I want you to change the words. I want you to try saying "Healthy" vs. "Unhealthy" for YOU instead of "Right" vs. "Wrong" based on someone else's expectations. Doing so alleviates the pressure and makes the outcome positive. Not only that, it taps what you feel good about.

Try it out: Instead of thinking that you did something wrong when your product receives criticism, ask yourself "what do I want to do about it now? What would be healthy for me to put effort into adjusting?" 

In the absence of extra pressure, there is more space to be inspired. 

WHAT WILL HAPPEN

Right vs. Wrong relates to following what we think of as rules and acceptable behavior, but what we do not think about is the fact that we humans made up the word "rules" and "morals" and defined "acceptable behavior". Now that I dropped that knowledge bomb on you, I am not telling you to go kill someone because morals do not exist. Instead I am telling you to take the pressure of perfectionism off of your task because no human has the power to tell you a one single right way to do things. 

By thinking about what is healthy for you or what you want to do instead of what you have to do or should do, you promote your own confidence and growth while connecting why your work is healthy for you and why your work is healthy for the world.

You are promoting healthy human evolution instead of addressing a single microscopic moment of pressure.  

I have a client right now who knows she must have a difficult conversation with her mother in order to move forward as a confident, independent adult. She began saying what she "needs" to do and why she "has to" do it, but over the course of a few conversations she has shifted the language and realized that she genuinely "wants" to have the conversation because she recognizes its beneficial outcome.

Her body language has changed, her motivation has changed, and now she wants to face the challenge because she sees it as an opportunity for growth. Not just popping a stress bubble that will come back in another form later on. 

This is the resilience I wrote about a few weeks ago. If you face challenges with the question of what next move would be healthiest for you, you will never experience setbacks as failure again. You will take a next step, and then another, and then another, because there is no right way to move through life. There is only the way that you want to. 

How To Set Healthy Priorities: A Brief Discussion

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This may be a shorter post than usual by the time I finish it because I shifted priorities today. It has been a busy week and I own the fact that I did not choose to get up even earlier or stay up even later to write a longer post over the past few days. This is intentionally shorter because part of my attention is needed right now for something that transcends business and marketing and money and career. I have the freedom to write this post from wherever I please, which is a luxury, and so I will do my best to continue providing value to you today with only 62% of my brain here and present. 

As I was in the car late into the night last night, I reflected on how I may or may not get to this blog post today. Not knowing what would be asked of me where I am, I figured at the very least I might be able to squeeze out a paragraph, maybe two. What mattered most in my reflection is that I recognized what was most important - what the priority was, even at the expense of my publishing content. 

I have heard and learned a lot in the entrepreneurial world about how to prioritize what. Relating to my post on Commitment a few weeks back, industry experts and uber successful entrepreneurs encourage a fledgling entrepreneur to put in the work on their new brand in the evening and nighttime hours, hopefully after they have interacted with their spouse and/or kids and have eaten substantial food. 

This suggestion relates to commitment in that it asks you "What are you driven to do to build your business? What will it take? How hungry are you?" It is a great question because a lot of entrepreneurs push their ideas to the back burner and open the notebook back up after many months have gone by.

Last night I taught my class again on Personal Branding and Career Success and I asked my clients "What can you commit to doing TOMORROW that relates to your goals and aspirations?" as a homework assignment because, even if they take the smallest little step - which is the point - and do not return to the work for a year, at least they have taken that one step forward that they otherwise were not going to take. I do not tell them to stay up till 2am making a marketing campaign, nor do I tell them by when they ought to have something launched. I only ask that they come up with and act on one simple thing.

I stay up late working into the nights, but not every night. I do not follow the emphatic suggestion of the ultra wealthy experts to a T because they do not know my body. They do not know how my tolerance of late nights and little sleep has changed since college, where I "functioned" off of 3 hours of sleep per night for multiple months at one point. 

This does not mean that I am not committed, though. It means that I know myself and that I know how I want to achieve the unique goals that I have set for my unique business.

This then connects to the realistic goal setting I have also mentioned in the past and which is probably one of the biggest elements of my work with clients. My goal is not to run myself into the ground. I have experienced burnout before and I do not exactly enjoy the sensation, so I will hear the suggestion of these business gurus, consider my current work schedule, and decide what to prioritize that day - related to MY personal definition of accomplishment.  

For example, one day is so filled with client sessions and brand development that I lie on my couch and watch a movie in the evening. Other days, I will write content, have a shift at my "part time distraction day job", and then spend all evening into the night working on my business infrastructure. Today I have been blessed to be able to attend to the priority of where I am as well as have the chance to write emails to my students, hold a new client consult call, design some things for my brand, and write this blog post.

I have one more thing on my to-do list that I would love to accomplish if possible, but I am committed to not working tomorrow, and that is okay. I know my priorities right now and I am grateful for that awareness. I encourage you to consider what you want to prioritize as this week comes to a close. What is the most important to you to accomplish before the weekend? What do you care most about right now?

A lot of society tells us what "should" be done or what you "have to" get done. I want to know what you "want" to get done. 

How To Break Free From Entrepreneurial Perfectionism

Break free from your idea of Perfect.

Break free from your idea of Perfect.

This is one of probably a billion blogs that exist on the internet. Think about how many individual blog posts there must be out there in the cloud. I have read a lot of posts on lots of different topics. Some are articles from other platforms that are copied and pasted into a blog for more exposure. Some are written as a full time activity by serious, well experienced writers while others are written by teens for social media. Blog writing is non fiction so the writer crafts the structure and then types the words in his or her own personal voice as opposed to fiction in which the voice can change based on the needs of a story.

I have worked with a lot of people who say that they "have to" have a blog because everyone else does. A lot of those same people have terrible blogs to which they inconsistently add content. It becomes a chore when you have not posted anything in months and feel like you "have to" or "should". 

Here is the thing: blogs can look like whatever you want them to and they can say whatever you want them to. There is no demand for what needs to be written or how it is presented. That is up to you and what feels right.  

In this way, there is no perfect.

There is no ideal. You find out what works for you and you put something out. That is business. 

So many people and entrepreneurs in the world freak out because they start a blog or create a product and business but do not want to launch it to the world in fear that it is not perfect. I hear this a lot. It is counterintuitive. It is the very first thing you have ever put out to the universe. How could it possibly be perfect?

It is like handing in a first draft of a paper thinking that it is the only draft that you are allowed to write. 

Thinking that your product needs to be perfect on the first go closes you off to the golden feedback that the world will give back to you once the product is out there. That feedback is the only thing that will help you understand how to make your product valuable. Not perfect, mind you. It will never be perfect. 

What is your product right now? What are you working on that you are hesitant to share? Why are you hesitant to share it?

Looking back on my own entrepreneurial journey, it is funny how incredibly unfocused my niche was when I started my business. I was confident in the first service I offered, but it was a service that could be offered to so many kinds of people on so many kinds of projects. I was the epitome of a generalist in the self-expression / writing / public speaking world. I did not know why that was a bad thing, though, at the time.

The reason I was comfortable launching my product is that I had waited a long time to start a business. I knew that I only had to organize my product enough to convey on a website, for instance, in order to first offer it. I also knew that I was new to the business world. I am lucky that I never perseverated on how perfect the first draft needed to be because I was so ready to start a company.

If you read the past few weeks of posts, this idea of making imperfect action connects to the Commitment of starting a business.

You must commit to accepting that your product will never be perfect.

Once you do, all of the pressure is lifted. The stress of perfection is eliminated and you can play around with your product and get feedback and engage with customers with more fluidity and momentum instead of kneeling underneath the boulder of having one shot to make it perfect.

I started my blog three years ago because I thought I had to have one, too. I wrote two posts and nothing else for years. In fact, I made the blog page of my website invisible for a long time. But then I realized what I wanted to say about life and business, so I re-enabled the page and started writing. I picked a day of the week to post, I knew my limits, and I wrote without fear of perfectionism because it is my blog and there is no such thing as perfect. 

Here is what you do: Whatever you are stuck on, whether it be a blog post or product launch or Kickstarter campaign, choose one thing and put a simple version of it out there to the world. Publish your blog post or put your product description on your website. Take whatever that first small action might be for you that combats your idea that it must be perfect. Put Post-It notes around your home with the words "There is no such thing as perfect" on them for a first step if you are still scared about launching whatever it is.

All the while, ask yourself this question: how could it possibly be perfect if no one has been able to give me feedback on it?

The 3 Crucial Personality Traits You Need To Start A Business, Part 3: ADAPTABILITY

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Let us check in. At this point, you have started a business (maybe) and we have covered how the first two important characteristics to possess in entrepreneurship are commitment and resilience. Dope. You are mentally focused with commitment. You are standing strong with resilience. Your beach house is sturdy.

But now what? What the heck do you do next?

Commitment and resilience are great but they are isolated to moments of preparation and reaction. What is missing is the action in between that moves your business forward in some way. 

This is why characteristic #3 is ADAPTABILITY

Adaptability creates movement. Commitment and resilience are the bookends. 

Tomorrow you will send an email. You will make a landing page. Test a prototype. Whatever is on your to-do list. Because you have committed to scaling your business, you will succeed in achieving the most important items on your to-do list, moving yourself that little bit forward. But that success does not remain. You will get tired. You will procrastinate. Your prototype will break. A client refuses to pay you. You committed, though, so how can you handle adversity that comes on a daily basis?

You adapt. The two types of adaptability are to pivot and to evolve.

1. Pivot = changing direction for a period of time in order to maintain movement.

 

This could look like temporarily switching to a different task or changing the entire focus of the company and starting in a totally new direction.

A few years ago, I became stuck with my business because I realized that my business' obstacle was marketing. I did not yet know what kind of marketing would be most effective for my business, but I did know that I had ZERO knowledge or training in marketing and ZERO interest in learning about marketing. That was the choice point. I could either pivot and temporarily focus on something else or I could evolve and learn about marketing. 

I chose to pivot because I did not desire to learn marketing enough at that moment to pursue it, even though I knew that I desired to learn it at some point. 

2. Evolve = advancing your skills and knowledge in the moment in order to overtake the adversity.

 

Examples of this include developing self-talk rituals in order to push through procrastination or enrolling in a graduate degree program to learn all new things that will serve your business.

I have evolved in many more ways than I have pivoted throughout the life of my business. For example, I recently took an online class on a personal development coaching method that is similar to what I already offer but fills in the blanks that I noticed in my current service. When I recognized a client's need that I could not meet, I chose to learn how to meet that need instead of pivot and change the direction of the client's goals at that time or adjusting my service offering.

Disclaimer 1. Let me be clear: pivoting does not mean ignoring.

Because you are changing direction does not mean that you are turning a blind eye to an obstacle that would benefit you to overcome. In my example, I knew that marketing was important and that I would have to learn it at some point. At that time, however, I did not have the desire to learn the skills or the resources to hire someone else for the task. 

Over the few years that followed, I learned not only what kind of marketing is appropriate for my business but I was also ready to devote time to learning how to enact it. I pivoted three years ago knowing full well that I would have to face marketing some day.

Disclaimer 2. The form that evolution takes is specifically different to every person.

For one entrepreneur, it may look like mental fortitude to get off the couch or pick up the phone. For another, it will look like formally enrolling in a class or hiring some kind of coach. Another still may sit down on their couch and teach themselves the new skill. If you read my post way back about learning styles, ask yourself how best you like to learn. Knowing that will help you plan for how to react when an obstacle comes your way. 

If you can learn to implement both, you are golden forever because you will always have new opportunities to practice. For now, start with what feels healthy for you. 

Reflection questions:

What obstacles have you faced so far? 

How did you respond to them?

What obstacles are you currently facing?

How will you adapt to them?

The Five Habits You Need To Build Resilience As An Entrepreneur

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My blog's earliest, most loyal follower and advisor gave me feedback on my previous post about Resilience and the Entrepreneurial Hurricane (which makes this post Part 2 of last week's Part 2...mind blowing...)

We discussed how entrepreneurs can create resilience for themselves beyond the reminders of Why they are in business in the first place. We came up with a cool Five Step Process to fortify your beach house:

1. BE OPEN TO FEEDBACK

Exhibit A: This post is being written because I am open to feedback. Without feedback, you do not know how the world is receiving you and what you offer. You might say "I don't care what the world thinks of me", which is noble and impressive and all, but you might want to care about what the world thinks of your business if you are trying to sell a product. 

The best part about feedback is that it comes in so many forms:

  • your mom after reading your blog
  • your dad asking about your financial situation
  • your friends who test your products
  • comments on your social media posts
  • total strangers at a networking event
  • customers after buying your product

You can walk up to a stranger at Starbucks, explain your business, and see what they say.

I have done that a lot, actually. I am so interested in people's responses after I describe what I do because their questions and comments inform how I am describing my service, from which I can adjust my wording. 

I won't go into the nerdy corollaries of how social feedback contributes to species evolution right now, but it suffices to say that you need feedback in order to grow anything, so start practicing openness to it.

 

2. CHOOSE WHO TO LISTEN TO

This one is a big one. If you are open to feedback, you are going to hear it from everyone and everything. The challenge is compartmentalizing what you hear and applying it to your future. As a result, you have to pick and choose what you listen to. 

This happens to me a lot. I mentioned last week that the biggest trap in which I get caught is that of unrealistic comparison to other entrepreneurs and business people. Over time, I have stopped listening to as many interviews by celebrity entrepreneurs and stopped reading as many blog posts about what I "should" be doing right now to succeed. Those people do not know me. Their words are not tailored to my business, so I must determine if I can apply any of their value to my current goals or push it away. 

If you get in the practice of taking some pieces of advice and avoiding others, you will realize who around you gives the most applicable feedback for your business. For me, it is my girlfriend, a handful of advisors, and my clients. I form such a deep connection with my clients and their stories that their feedback on my service is the most golden nugget of input that my business could need. 

For your business, to whose or what voice is most effective for you to listen?

 

3. MEDITATE

Yea, I know I am the billionth thing that has told you to go meditate in the past few years, but this is real. As I discussed in a past post, meditation is a very active practice and it is all about energy.

Meditation helps you slow down and channel energy toward what fuels you. If you can sit still for even five minutes with your eyes closed and watch your thoughts flow around while you are breathing, you will begin to see themes come up in your thoughts. Often times the common thoughts you sense are related to fears or anxieties but, relating to #2, you will also notice voices either from within you or people outside of you. 

Drawing awareness to these voices, even for just five minutes at a time, will help you acknowledge what voices are helpful to hear and which are harmful. 

That way, you can more comfortably deflect negative self-talk while working because you know from where the self-talk might be originating.

 

4. LOGICAL GOAL SETTING

Now that you can discern what to listen to and what not to, you can more clearly see what you want to accomplish today, this week, this month FOR YOURSELF.

I repeat: FOR YOURSELF. Stop thinking about other brands "like" yours, because there are no other brands like yours. No one performs my kind of consulting in the exact way that I do it. Based on the feedback that you have received about YOUR product, what is next on the to do list to keep things going? 

Edit your website?

Change your prices?

Start an email campaign?

This took me a while to understand for myself. I want to write books and create social media campaigns and give lectures and send email newsletters and make TQ coffee mugs and tee shirts and I have wanted to do all of those for years. Even though I am capable of doing all of those things, doing all of those things was not realistic at the time I thought about doing them. 

Similar to the famous line in Jurassic Park, just because I could do something does not mean that I should. 

I got down on myself because I was not accomplishing all of those cool things that a business might have, but then I realized that I was focusing most of my time on customer service and defining my product, which is far and beyond the most important. 

So I wrote all of those cool possible projects down in a list such that, over time, when it feels appropriate, I can look at it and choose one to try out.

It gives me the freedom to focus on what is important right now and still try new things going forward. 

Make the list for yourself of things you either think you "should" be doing or things that you would like to create. Then think about what you have been working on and ask: "what needs to be accomplished right now?"

 

5. PATIENCE, YOUNG GRASSHOPPER

Being a business owner, you can know everything about what going on with your business. This is positive for the sake of productivity, but it is also a challenge because you are the one who thinks most often about the big picture. 

The big picture can be torturous because we business owners want to get to that end goal NOW. We creative, ambitious types are so freaking impatient. It motivates us and tortures us. 

If you have completed Steps 1-4 at this point, then you have a sense of what goals to pursue today. If you actually meditated, you also know how to take a productive deep breath. 

Step #5 is a gentle reminder to be patient. You see the big picture goal. Even though you will not attain it today, the realistic goals you set for yourself today and pursue this week will continue to authentically serve your big picture. 

Take another deep breath. You are doing the work. And you rock.

Now fortify that beach house. You are going to live there for a while.

The 3 Crucial Personality Traits You Need To Start A Business: Part 2 - RESILIENCE

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Okay so you are starting a business. If you read last week's post, you have started to consider the kinds of things to which you must commit beyond the exhilarating fantasy of your product or service idea. It is okay if you do not want to commit to scaling your business and running it from there as an enterprise. There is no shame in that. Just as many entrepreneurs start their business and then decide to change it due to their true interests as those whose ideas do not succeed and the business flops. 

Lesson #1 about starting a business is that it is alllll yourssss. Yes, there is the pressure of succeeding with it on your own, but it simultaneously relieves the pressure of someone above you hounding you about deadlines and "the way it should be done." With that in mind, take a deep breath, look at your list of many many options of places to start, and remember that the choice is yours. 

Now that you have realized there are things called bookkeeping, market research, and email campaigns and you have committed yourself to grinding through them because you care about your mission, you must begin to fortify your defenses when the storms arrive.

Personality trait number two is RESILIENCE

Resilience is defined as "the ability to recover quickly from difficulties" and as "toughness; elasticity". Enough said. 

Entrepreneurship is like building a beach house during hurricane season.

You take care to put every material into its functional spot and build the house such that its strength and efficiency increase its value for years to come. But you build the house in Florida and you can see far into the distance (Are you with me on the metaphor so far?). Then challenges come up:

  1. Early investment of your own money in the house = darkening skies 
  2. Prototyping your product = cloud layers
  3. People demean your idea = rain falls in the distance
  4. Feeling isolated = clouds start to swirl
  5. Self-doubt creeps in = rain clouds move toward you
  6. Vendors terminate a contract = bolt of lightning
  7. No one buys your product = the wind changes
  8. You pick up shifts as a barista to pay rent = the rain wall descends on the beach
  9. Society and the internet tell you a billion different things to do = the storm hits the mainland

Overwhelm ensues. What will you do? How much do you care about your idea? What have you put into the walls of your brand that will help it survive the maelstrom? Even if you have only built the first floor of your beach house, can you sit there amongst the raging winds and pelting rain and still take that next tiny step forward? 

  1. Early investment --> google how to raise money
  2. Prototyping --> who can you test it out on (friends and family are good ones)?
  3. Demeaning people --> that's fine, move on to the people who support you. 
  4. Feeling isolated --> positive self-care and reminders of the courage it takes to face the risk you have.

You see where I am going with this. There is ALWAYS ALWAYS ALWAYS a next step, however tiny, to take that still moves you forward but it is up to you to choose to take that step. This is critical to remember. Unless you choose to eliminate the business altogether (which is your choice), you always have another option. No matter how helpless, alone, lost, and foolish you feel. 

I know because I continue to face hurricanes myself. Fun fact about me: my longest standing insecurity is about confidence in competence, or being competent at anything. Even when I achieved great success playing soccer growing up, I felt much self-doubt and perceived incompetence.

You can imagine how a personality complex like that has played into my entrepreneurial life. There are times when my brain goes numb and I cannot recall what I even offer people, what value I bring to them, or why I thought I could be an entrepreneur. I have moved around the country three times in the four years of my business, needing to reconstruct a network and find new clients each time. There have been periods of time when I had 0 clients and 0 leads. There was a time when I did not feel motivated to seek out new leads. 

For me and my life long fragile sense of competence, though, the thing that has kept the hurricane swirling is the expectation that society puts on me as an entrepreneur. I have heard ENDLESS, COUNTLESS, RELENTLESS suggestions on how to run a business, "needing this or that or my business is doomed", from tv, internet, and social media. I have fallen into the trap oh so many times of comparing myself to other business owners and authors of other blogs (who are not in my industry and who may not actually be successful - who knows?). 

I am sensitive to the comparison trap because it feeds my self-doubt. 

Here is the thing, though. I would have never been in the position to compare myself to other entrepreneurs had I never started a business. Furthermore, why do we compare ourselves to others at all?

Because we care about something. 

We start businesses for a reason. There is always a Why that is uniquely yours. I have written a lot about the Why because it is your brand's narrative and conveys your value for the world. In the case of the hurricane, however, your Why is what will get you through. 

Every time I hit a lull or moved or felt overwhelmed or curled up and cried because I was not like X, Y, and Z founders of A, B, and C companies, I can always remember why I love what my business offers and what entrepreneurship offers me.

Do what you have to do to remember!

  • Post-it notes around your apartment
  • Accountability partners
  • Finding that perfect Spotify channel

I am not foolish enough to think that getting my beach house through one hurricane means there will never be another hurricane. In reality, there are rain storms every day that I must face, and the hurricanes will only get bigger as time goes on. 

But when that next storm comes for you, there is no greater brand management tool on the market than a good old fashioned deep breath and remembering your Why.

The 3 Crucial Personality Traits You Need To Start A Business: Part 1 - COMMITMENT

You meet commitment at the intersection of excitement and fear.

You meet commitment at the intersection of excitement and fear.

This week marks the start of three posts on the most crucial personality traits needed to start a business. Even though I will discuss it in the context of entrepreneurship, each of these themes can be applied to other jobs, workplaces, and career shifts. All are welcome. 

A lot of my clients and students fall into the classic creative trap of focusing so much on the idea of their business and the excitement that they feel that they do not step back and consider the logistics of its execution.

This is normal.

It is so exciting to come up with an idea for a business that you think will make millions and change the world. I have come up with dozens and dozens of ideas for businesses and collaborations that feel cool when I imagine them. When I think a second later about what would be required to execute them, I am not excited. Even with the companies I do have, there have been several points where I have had to pivot because the block I ran into was something about which I was not excited (often some kind of marketing, it did not feel authentic to me and I did not have the funds to hire out for it).

As a result, I tabled it and focused my energy on what was energizing. 

I am getting ahead of myself, though. LESSON #1 is on the COMMITMENT to your idea.

We are creative in our own ways and our values allow us to care about different things. When we come up with an idea for a business that aligns with our values, it is like a nuclear bomb of exhilaration in our circulatory systems and brains. We feverishly white board our ideas and diagram out our product options and design logos and taglines and what our office will look like and what color post-it notes we will buy, but we do not think about buying those post-it notes tomorrow, getting an accountant to track our expenses, then talking to people outside of our team to see if the product could be helpful.

Why? Because it is not exciting. It is not fun. It is not time spent in La-La-Land dancing with Ryan Gosling and Emma Stone on sets only your imagination can create. The logistics are the hard, grey cinder blocks that keep you down here with the rest of the dirty world and which remind you to pay the bills and construct a real product. 

This is the difference between having something to say and committing to starting and running a business.

If you have a great idea, you want to share it with the world, but you do not care about scaling a business that becomes your career, that is fine. Own it. Write a blog, sell coffee mugs, give talks, and leave it there.

If you have an idea and want to make it a business, you must commit to exactly that. 

Act on the assumption that your business will grow. How does that demand make you feel? Are you excited about that opportunity for growth, or does the idea of keeping up with the growth repulse you?

This is the most important question to ask yourself as a beginning entrepreneur. You could be a rock star undergrad Entrepreneurship major prototyping an awesome product, but it will not go to market if you are not committed to the grind of networking and pitching. You could be a 30-something who just received huge funding for trials of a new miracle treatment, but you have to be committed to the long game of the trials and execution if you want to match value to that investment money. 

Entrepreneurship is hard. Much hustling is required. That is why taking a long awkward look at yourself in the mirror and asking "To what about my idea am I committed?" is the most important first step. 

I started desiring entrepreneurship back in high school, and not until I formulated my very first real true business idea in college did I stop and reflect on why I wanted to own a business. My first idea was cool and super creative, and had I pursued it I probably could have cornered the market and quickly done well with it, but it was not exciting to me at that moment. I was not interested in what was required of running that business at that time. 

So I waited.

Desire only grew, which is so cool, and the opportunity arrived right when I was ready to commit.

I still did not know what would go int to the day to day logistics, but the difference was that I was open to committing no matter the responsibility. 

In conclusion, whether you are a budding entrepreneur with an idea, you have started a business, or you have owned a business for years, check in with yourself. What is your commitment level? What do you care about now and how has that changed over time? To what about your idea can you commit yourself RIGHT NOW? What feels exciting to you within your brand?

Finding Authentic Voice, Part 4: The 6 Pieces Of A Successful Conversation

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Anger does not get us anywhere. It feels good to let out because anger carries so much energy with it, but it is not a long term solution for either he who lets out the anger or its intended victim. This is why conversations that are fueled only by emotion - any emotion - end up with the participants too distracted by the emotion that mature self-expression goes out the window. Examples include: any argument between drunk people at a bar or a kid crying to its parents about wanting a toy.

The needs of those involved are rarely met because it is an unattractive and ineffective display of self-advocacy. 

On the flip side, relying too much on intellect while suppressing emotion can be detrimental. Several times in the past I suppressed emotion in difficult conversations with significant others so that I could focus on what was being said in the conversation and offer a level, honest response. No matter how honest my response was, I came across as detached and unempathetic. Even though we both were feeling feels, the fact that I suppressed mine in the convo made her feel more alone and dejected. Suppressing mine only made the conversation feel worse in the end.

Luckily for everyone, there is a middle ground where the magic happens. The problem for everyone is that it is a difficult space to navigate. People get anxious about letting themselves feel strong emotions when trying to communicate in a respectful way. It takes practice.

I am here to tell you it is manageable and possible. I had to learn how to do it myself many times.

Whatever it is you have been ruminating on and workshopping with me over the past three weeks, it is time to let it out in a healthy and effective way. 

Last week you defined WHY you want to express the thing you want to express. If you have not, go back now and do it now. Knowing the Why gives you the objective of your conversation. The goal you would like to achieve. 

Example 1: in the scenario where you hate your boss, sure, you likely feel anger, but the reason why you will talk with HR will not be because you hate him. They will not care to hear that. Instead, your goal is to enjoy your workday more without the stress of wondering what your boss will do or say next. That is why you care to hate your boss.

Do you see the difference? 

The past client I described knew that telling HR his boss was a douche would not help his situation. Instead, our work together made him realize that he was going to speak to HR because he cared about his job and the cool ideas he had for it. 

The goal of the conversation is bigger than the person to whom you are speaking.

As a result, tell it as a story. Easy as that. When you sit down with the person to whom you want to express yourself, follow these steps:

  1. PREPARE THE AUDIENCE. Say: I have been having a lot of trouble with something and I want to have a conversation with you about it.
  2. TELL THE STORY. Describe ALL of the relevant data points to set the scene for the person and lay the framework for why you are having this conversation.
  3. LET A LITTLE EMOTION IN. Explain what is affecting you, how it is affecting you, and why. Be specific and honest.
  4. RESPECT THY ENEMY. Even if it is a boss you hate, explain their position, the things they say/want, and why they seem to do that, if you know. Do not whine, though
  5. ASK FOR HELP. Now that you have the context (2), your side (3), and the other party's side (4) presented, inquire as to how to proceed. Ask for advice on how to accommodate all parties involved so that you can move forward. 
  6. REPEAT WHY YOU CARE. Reiterate why you care at all. In our example, it is why you care about your job and what you are motivated to achieve within it.

Follow this outline for any conversation. Practice it. You will still feel quite vulnerable as you are describing the situation. Instead of anger or sadness taking over, though, you will feel the emotion behind your description and it will remind you why you care. 

This form of conversation honors your emotion while respectfully communicating your feelings and needs. 

As I said, I have had to practice this many times. Last year, I had this exact form of conversation with a boss in a side job because the culture amongst coworkers had become sadistic and toxic. I knew complaining and venting would not achieve any change, so I followed the above format in order to present every layer of the situation, of which my boss was not aware. I was able to explain how burnt out I felt and how it affected our work with clients. Because of the fact that I referred to how it was affecting other specific people as well and how we were all at a loss, my boss sought those people out and asked for their perspective the very next morning. 

Remember: if you are polite, honest, and authentic when you express yourself, you will succeed in conversation. If the recipient cannot handle it, then that is their problem. Speak your truth.

Try it out. You will do great.

How To Find Your Authentic Voice, Part 3: What Is The Point?

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If you have not read the past two weeks' posts, a) shame on you and b) go back and read them. As a Sparknoted summary that will not give anything away from the actual posts, Part 1 was about self awareness and Part 2 was putting preliminary words to something you want to express. Now that you have diligently followed my instructions and you have done the homework from the last two posts, you should have a simplified note of what you want to express in its raw form. Some examples could be:

 If you hate your boss: "GAHH he / she is such a self-absorbed a-hole!"

Or if you are mad at your significant other: "GAHH I wish he / she would stop telling me to X"

Or if you have a pitch to give: "Why can't they just tell how incredible my product is? 

That is okay. Let it be pure and angry. Vent into that notebook. It is the starting point. 

Now comes the most important part. The ultimate question: WHY DO YOU WANT TO SAY THAT? What is the objective of what you want to say? Why do you want to tell your boss that you hate him / her? Why do you want to grab investors by the collar and shake them into understanding why your product is so amazing? Why do you care about the way your significant other is addressing you? 

If you can answer the Objective question for your situation, you are at a huge advantage. I asked my client - the one I mentioned in last week's post - that question and, after he stutter-stepped for a second, we got down to the fact that he enjoyed his job, he knew he was good at it and that he had a plan for its success, but that his value of autonomy and innovation was being intruded upon by his manager. Ultimately, it was not solely that my client was mad at the manager as a human being but mostly that the manager represented an obstacle to my client's long term performance and growth as an employee. The next step - which you will read about next week - was taking his answer to the Objective question (and the personal goals and value sets) and crafting a conversation with the HR office in which he talks about his role and his goals for it and how it would benefit the company and how he relates to his manager in a polite and level way...instead of sitting down and reaming the guy out and getting nowhere but angry again. 

Your homework for the week is to think about the thing you so badly want to say and ask yourself why you so badly want to say it. What is the point of expressing it for you? What good would it do?

Spoiler Alert: it is emotional. 

When I discovered my voice for the first time at the Book Swarm in California, I spoke up not because I was angry at my colleagues but because we were not focusing on what was most important for the project in that moment. But why did that matter to me? What was the point of speaking up and getting them back on track? 

It is because I loved what we were doing. In less cliche terms, I was so immersed and so interested in the subject matter and what we were trying to accomplish that I felt like the discussion in the moment was an obstacle to our efficiently completing our task as a team. I cared about the subject, so I cared about my team’s success, and I spoke up to that authentic feeling. 

Truly why, on the deep level, do you want to give your boss a piece of your mind? What value set is involved when you tell your significant other how you’ve been feeling? 

Your unique answer to that question will ground you back down from the raw truth and remind you why you care. That way, you can have the polite, authentic conversation you want to have and express exactly what you want to express. 

How To Find Your Authentic Voice, Part 2: Start With The Raw Truth

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What are you keeping inside you right this second? What are you wishing you could tell someone? What do you wish that you had told someone and missed the opportunity?

Oh no, is this where Taylor lectures about regret and how to carpe our diems? Not really, but kinda sorta. Here is the deal: we all go through that pain of wishing we had said something different or just something at all in that moment that passed and will never come back around. Holy cannoli, I can think of numerous girls on whom I had a wild crush to whom I never took the opportunity to say anything because I was too scared and worse, I did not know how to say it. 

But that is not all true. I did not know how to say it effectively. We all know what we want to say - we rehearse it endlessly in our heads day in and day out - but never get around to saying it because we let fear set in of taking the risk and panic about the person's reaction, then we overthink the heck out of it to the point where every letter in every word sounds wrong because you cannot decide how you will possibly survive saying the words out loud in real life. I was the Lord Commander of Overanalyzing situations and conversations when I was in high school, I might as well have been paid for it. But when I think back, there is no question that I knew what I wanted to say. The overanalysis was my brain's attempt at controlling the situation that was causing me so much torturous anxiety before I even put myself into the situation. A constant preemptive fight or flight response.

Expressing your undying love for your crush in grade school is such a perfect example of this because 

  • A) hormones are RAGING
  • B) ALL the feels are happening
  • C) humans fear rejection
  • D) even good parents had not yet taught you how to handle risk and rejection
  • E) I had not yet started my company to help you develop authentic self-expression

Honorable mention: 

  • F) the terror of his/her friends being nearby, 
  • G) the subsequent gossip about the words you chose, and 
  • H) how little you focus on class work because you are thinking too much about seeing him/her by their locker between third and fourth period. 

Are you remembering how that feels? I sure remember it, and I am willingly subjecting myself to it as I write this. 

Fast forward to now. You are finally through puberty but instead of bearing your soul to a crush, the person to whom you want to express yourself is your boss and the acceptance you seek is from your coworkers. Similarly, you may be an entrepreneur who wants to pitch to investors or share your idea with potential teammates. Or maybe you have a job interview or a networking event in which you want to articulate your skills and value. 

It does not matter what the scenario is now because the fear and anxiety can be exactly the same as in high school. You are clear that you want to ask your boss for a raise or to fire Jack in cubicle 3 but you do not know how to articulate it appropriately in order to avoid sounding arrogant or whiney. You know what you want to pitch to investors but you do not know how to make the presentation structured and compelling. 

Overthinking is what we do. Our brains want to control situations, especially situations about which we are anxious we are anxious because it is perceived as a threat to our survival. 

NEWS FLASH: that is actually a good thing. The fact that you panic is a sign that you care! Otherwise, you would not spend so much time thinking about whatever it is! Boom, knowledge bomb. It is a genuine desire in which you place a lot of value. The only way that it becomes a bad thing is when you give into the fear, overthink the hypothetical conversation, and then never follow through with it. That is when I start my lecture about regret. 

So here is what you do: whatever your specific thing is that you want to say right, I want you to write it down in its rawest form. Even if it includes profanity, even if the words feel messy or silly, write it down. Do not manicure it or edit it in any way. Write down your first draft. That way, even if only a single sentence, it is out of your head and you bypassed the stress response. 

There is no pressure involved with the first draft. 

Maybe you hate your boss. Write down why or what you wish to ask for, anger and all.

Maybe you have a wedding toast to give. Write down your ideas in some order, no matter how cliche they sound.

Maybe you have a networking event. Write down the talking points you want to cover in conversation, no matter how boring.

Just get words out of your head and we will polish them later.

I had a client last year who was on the road to being fired, was angry about it, and wanted to go to HR to explain his side of the story. The problem was that he did not think he would be able to politely articulate his side without coming off as angry and whiny. 

The first thing I did with him? We wrote down what his anger would want to say about his manager - basically that he was an incompetent waste of space at the company. It felt goofy for my client to write it out as though he were venting in a diary, but it diffused his stress just enough to rationally take the next step, which was to discuss the true objective of talking to HR (to keep his job or only report his manager's behavior? Those are different things) and then strategically craft the wording in the most level and effective way for everyone involved. 

Overthinking is just that: thinking. So get the rough draft of whatever it is you want to express on to paper so that you get yourself ahead of your own brain and the fear. 

Your five-minute homework assignment: 

  1. Who do you want to speak to / what expressive task are you thinking a lot about right now?
  2. What do you want to say (uncensored and unpolished)?
  3. Write it down.
  4. Breathe a big sigh of relief.
  5. Kiss puberty panic goodbye. 

How To Find Your Authentic Voice: A Beginner's Guide

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The first time I wrote a blog was when my sister and I went on a road trip around the west coast starting back in 2011. It was a great way for our family, friends, and ourselves to keep track of the daily adventures and, more importantly, convey to our mother that we were alive and safe. Cute side moment: she would make her morning coffee and sit down to read our post from the night before before she read her morning newspaper. Mm the best way to start the day. It was fun and it was natural because I have always liked writing and it helped that the subject matter was super easy. It was also easy because a) I was not trying to gain income from its exposure and b) we knew the extent of its exposure: just family and a select group of family friends who knew about the journey.

Fast forward to 2015 when I wrote my first blog post for The Tailored Quill. I did not know how it was supposed to be used or how it could translate into clients or income. Instead I simply knew that I had to have one because everyone else did. If you were ever curious about how impressive I am, know that I wrote ONE WHOLE BLOG POST ------ and that was it for a really long time. I wrote another post a few months later. Yeah, months. That is like 1000 years in Millennial social media chronology.

The second post was more like a cute summary of why I started the business but it did nothing to convey what the reader should do about it. SOLID content marketing. But hey, everyone starts somewhere. So my blog sat stagnant for two years until I felt it in my heart that I had a lot I was ready to say. More powerfully, I knew how I wanted to say it. That is when I sat down last year and made a list of almost 200 topics on which I could write blog posts, most of which could easily be broken down even further into more topics. 

Fast forward / rewind to a couple days ago when a friend told me that last week's post about the two questions you need to ask as the first step toward career satisfaction (which she happened to read while at work) made her realize that she did not in fact hate her job as she thought. She instead disliked certain pieces of it while it otherwise checked off many boxes relating to her goals and interests. She stated "the two questions reminded me why I do what I do and put it in perspective, even though my story has always been that I'm terrible at it and that it is miserable."

 

She went on to articulate what I was thinking: the fact that it is difficult - sometimes impossible - to know what impact I have on people who read my work even if they never become clients or ever get in touch with me after reading it. I can track clicks and engagement on my blog page, but Squarespace cannot yet measure the lingering emotional impact the content has on visitors. And this is a crucial point about entrepreneurship that applies to every other arena of your life: 

Expressing yourself with an authentic voice is always valuable even if you do not know who is listening. 

I did not hear my true authentic voice until six months after I started my company in 2015. I did not find it in high school or college or even in the years of mental health work before I started The Tailored Quill, but it was growing ever so incrementally. I found it on the second day of the Book Swarm in Oakland, CA, where I was hired as a scribe to record and consolidate material from industry experts to craft a book on Narrative in the 21st century with a small team in only two days. The second day was when the team got together and took all of the previous day's material to package it into concise, world-rocking chapter outlines. It was basically ten of us in a big room interrupting each other and debating what should be included where and how to emphasize what. 

Several team members were debating one point ad nauseam and I suddenly burst in to the fray and commandingly offered the perspective that the focus ought to be on the broader scope for the moment and that the point about which they were debating was in fact more appropriate for a different chapter altogether. Even though I was "right" and they relented in order to move on, I personally was like "Oh damn, that's what I sound like??" and my whole life, evolution, development, interests, jobs, thoughts, and goals all passed before my eyes and connected to how I saw myself standing there and speaking in that moment. 

I sat down and thought about that for a solid ten minutes. My brain and its prior skills and knowledge recognized that the group was focusing on the wrong thing and then...here is the magic moment...I CHOSE TO SAY SOMETHING. I chose to speak up right then. Something in me was ready to do that and impelled it. 

I did not know that starting my blog would impact people's lives when I started it in earnest last year, but I was able to feel that same impulse within me that it was time to start speaking up. As opposed to when I "started my blog" in 2015, I knew what I wanted to talk about this time and I knew that I was ready to share. 

Now, believe it or not, this is not a boastful blog post. I am not trying to celebrate myself. Sure, I am reciting my own personal narrative growth but my point is that I am just like you. I spent years frustrated that I was not heard, years wondering how to authentically express myself, and it will forever be a challenge. It is becoming more and more consistent in this blog and in conversations about my work but it is not perfect. It is like yoga. You have to keep practicing it in order to actually stay flexible.

I can, however, consistently recognize the impulse to express something, even if I do not end up expressing it. That is the first step. Feeling the urge to express yourself but not following through causes tension within you and may lead to stress and frustration. I am willing to bet that you feel the same kind of detachment between who you are now and the fully aligned, authentically expressed you.

Example 1: standing up for yourself to a boss?

Example 2: articulating your true value in a job interview?

Example 3: Telling a cute stranger at the bar that they are attractive without sounding rude and creepy?

Need I go on? You can come up with countless other examples. And that is okay. All of it is so normal.

In fact, society promotes the disconnect between your expressive drive and the actual act with cutthroat work cultures and an intense "This is the land of opportunity! Go take it for yourself!...But also be careful! It is super dangerous too and you might not succeed!" ideology.

No one can know when the moment will occur, and that is the way it is. You will never make it to that moment, however, if you recoil and avoid the conversations you want to have or avoid asking the questions you want to ask. You will be stuck shoving the voice into a teeny tiny box deep behind the fire of tension and inauthenticity. 

What I want you to do is breathe and shrug and say "Yep, I do not have my voice yet...AND THAT IS OKAY. Cut yourself a break. Do not get down on yourself because society thinks that you are failing. It took me 26 years to hear my authentic voice for the very first time. That is 9,490 days! 

That is a long time seeking the sound of authenticity.

If you are able to accept the fact that that detachment being present is totally cool and normal, then you open the door to the cavern deep inside you (see my post on Cave Diving) and you will feel the same subtle impulse that I did/do and you will not hesitate to say what you want to say in exactly the way your brain has yearned for you to say it. 

Who knows what you will say, but you will hear it when you say it, and your life will never be the same. 

Want To Enjoy Your Job? Answer These Two Simple Questions

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I took an anthropology course in college for the sole purpose of satisfying a graduation requirement. It was on the concepts of heritage and cultural history in the middle east. I thought it would be an interesting choice because I like history and the middle east was a region about which I had not learned much. Let us just say that the professor loved talking about her own research and I did not understand most of the points that she tried to teach. I did know that I was a young science nerd sitting in a very humanities class among twenty history and anthropology majors. Lost at sea, was I. 

One particular evening, the class sat in a circle and discussed a photograph on the cover of a book we were reading for homework. As I recall, it was of an elderly gentleman standing at a railing in the inner atrium of some hotel or apartment building. It was an old photograph, black and white, probably taken sometime in the fifties. The man was somewhat far away in the photo too. At this point in the semester, I was already having a hard time tracking what the heck the professor was trying to teach in the course, so I somewhat bluntly offered the suggesting that it was objectively difficult (put politely) to have a conversation about what that man was doing or why he was there because there are infinite possibilities and perspectives. Starting with the twenty wildly different perspectives in that classroom. 

I said something similar in an ancient Greek history course the following year. 

What I tried to study for the final project in the middle east course (which the professor swiftly kabashed before commanding me to write something in which she was more interested) is how perspective plays a role in the objectivity of a scientific discipline and the question of how that discipline's research can ever be formally validated as a result. I was becoming vehement about it. What I did not know at the time was that this idea was the younger brother to the overall question of how history is written at all, who gets to write it, and how objective is it really?

In all my years of playing soccer, one of my strengths was spacial awareness and vision of the field during the run of play. Wherever this developed in childhood, it consistently enabled me to keep the big picture in sight. Soccer games were just individual games. Soccer was not the only thing to my life and my future. I loved studying neuroscience but I did not have to work in that field. This let me be more present years before I consciously tried to meditate and practice intentional presence. It was already a subconscious byproduct of a preexisting skill. 

Furthermore, one of my current clients is a young girl who psychs herself out in sports competition because of a random subconscious expectation in her head that she "should beat that particular opponent" or "should be better than that" or "should have gotten that point." The first step for her - if you recall the brand pillars I described in an earlier post - was drawing awareness to the big picture and to keep perspective.

She was able to tell me that the perspective she wants to keep is that "it's just one point. There are so many more opportunities. And if I lose this match, it's not the end of the world." Some would say that sounds cliche, but remember that she came up with those words herself, which means that that is the objective perspective that will work uniquely for her. Next we collaboratively found a way for her to start putting that into practice in other areas of her life so that it is second nature come game day. 

Cool, Taylor, thanks for venting about college and telling us about a random client, but what now?

We all have subjective perspectives on the objective things we do, and that is okay as long as they are either aligned or healthy or both.

Think about your job. Wherever you work, whatever you do, it is difficult to avoid getting stuck among the weeds and forget to look up at the beautiful forest. It is natural. We get a to-do list, we talk to coworkers about specific things, we fire up our productivity playlist on Spotify, and we plug away. Head down, plowing ahead.

If you are lucky, you might connect the dots of the task you completed earlier today to the big picture of what that task means in the long run when you are having happy hour drinks with coworkers or talking to your partner tonight, but often the big picture remains lost in Unconscious Land. Retail is a good example. Sales associates in a retail store change visuals and presentations and piles of products, but it is hard to remember the Why behind one product's new display (other than to sell it, of course). As a result, the day consists of moving things around and occasionally selling things and then rinse and repeat the next day on an unending wheel of transaction reports. 

Spoiler alert: this Big Picture Why ought to be the same Why that you chose to engage in that work in the beginning. And this is why learning your narrative is so important. Let us work backward:

If you can recognize the big picture perspective of your work, then you can remind yourself all day long that of which your work is in the service and you can feel more purposeful. Awesome.

If you are able to recognize that the reason why you are engaged in the work (so your own personal big picture) is aligned with the big picture of the job and the tasks you perform, then eureka! All is right and keep doing what you are doing.

If they are not aligned, why is that the case?

This is where narrative comes in. This is where you begin to reflect on why you are engaging in the work that you are. 

  1. What personal values of yours is the work satisfying?
  2. What personal interests do you maintain in the work, or do you maintain none and hate every second of the work day? 

It is often easier to think of negatives things, so ask these questions to yourself and see what comes up in your mind that is not working if you are able to come up with answers at all, and then translate those into their opposites that may be more positive. 

As an entrepreneur, my most common task is prioritizing into what new ideas or features it would be worth investing my energy to in the moment. The ideas may be things that I am curious about and interested in doing in a broad knowledge and development way, but I have to continually ask the two questions of myself:

  1. Is this something I would be genuinely interested in taking the time to learn, implement, and maintain right now?
  2. Is this something that fits the personal values that I maintain behind my company mission? 

If it is one or the other, I write it down and save it for another time. If it is both, then I strategize how to integrate it into what I am already doing. Being it that I am still a solopreneur, the list of ideas that I can prioritize and integrate is necessarily small. When the time comes that I hire employees or take on partners, however, the questions will not change. Each individual on the team must ask these questions of themselves and then we must ask them as a team.

Answering these two questions on a regular basis helps me maintain awareness of my own big picture every day. As a result, any setbacks or disappointments are understood much more quickly and put in perspective instead of taking all of the focus and sucking me down into a storm of defeat (hint: read last week's post) as though some little "failure" was the last straw on which my business was balancing. 

Try it for yourself. No matter where you are reading this, think about your current job or work. Does it satisfy both questions? Are you able to keep the big picture perspective in mind of why you do that work?  Spoiler alert #2: chances are good that most people's work does not satisfy both questions. That is often the way it is. That is okay. Do not panic. If you are able to answer Yes to just one of the questions, where does your work fall short? What is getting in the way of the second question being affirmed? 

Suddenly the big picture does not sound so daunting, does it? Just two simple questions. Start there, and you will take the first proactive step toward so much more satisfaction in your work and career. 

Peace From Peril: How To Turn "Defeat" Into An Advantage

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Last week we talked about achievement and this week we are talking about defeat, so here is a cute puppy to help.

Now that the Olympics are over, all of the athletes are probably meeting multiple times a week with their sport psychologists to talk about what they did wrong, what mindset they could have maintained instead, and how to deal with the regret of messing up that one turn on the course. In the Olympics and athletic world, "defeat" comes most explicitly in competition, which does not occur every day. In the real world for all of us common folk, even more factors impact our pursuit of success that the defeats can be much more frequent and of many magnitudes. A particularly rough day could include tons of little defeats, a few medium sized defeats, and one or two big ones, all even unrelated. And that is in the regular ole work force and corporate jungle. In entrepreneurship, it can feel like defeats are constant, as though the pressure you feel is a champion boxer sitting on your shoulders and swinging their arm down to punch you in the face every hour or two. But just like last week, defeat means different things to different people. 

As far as I can tell, I am human, which means that competition is hard wired into my DNA. I accept that, though I despise competition now. I grew up playing soccer and tennis and I downhill ski raced. I loved skiing but did not care or know how to take seriously the competitive element of the races. Maybe I was too focused on playing Game Boy at the time. Tennis I took seriously because of the skill involved and the finesse needed to get through a match, but soccer was my primary sport because I loved the stimulus of running around while I was simultaneously proficient at scoring goals. I held a high performance standard for myself throughout my soccer career. It was not until college, though, that I realized it was more about pressure on my self-concept as opposed to pressure related to the competition of the sport.

That was important. Certain experiences early on in college taught me to rethink what things in life warrant stress, worry, and concern, and this helped me realize that athletic competition is not one of them. I found much more pleasure in my sport from that moment on. Pressure was lifted. It did not matter.

Now I own two businesses on my own and feel pressure for...umm...let us see...survival?....all the time.  Of course success in business involves competition, but as an entrepreneur you get to choose against whom you want to compete. When I think about competition in the working world, I automatically picture the corporate landscape of sales quotas, red tape, and cubicle claustrophobia. A large corporation that looks like that would not be any competition of mine, so that stressful image is deleted. Sure, I have performed a lot of competitor research but, no matter what industry we are all in or if you are some kind of entrepreneur, your greatest competitor is your very own brain. 

Oh yeah, it can be a real bully. Because your skull is only so big, your self-concept hangs out with your self-talk, which then gossips its way over to your self-worth, and while they are spreading rumors, you feel more and more like crap and then spin the vicious cycle in such a way that the gossip only gets worse and affects every part of your day. 

Enter the "defeats". Once your self-worth is demoralized by your self-talk to the point where you think that one more second not getting an email response from a prospective client means you are a waste of space and organs, every little thing becomes a defeat and the entrepreneurial F-word (failure....) starts slinking in from the shadows to join the conversation. 

But who is telling you that you are a failure? You are.

Whose expectations have you failed to meet? Yours.

"But...but...but..." No no. It is your pressure. It is the value you place on the work. Sure, your boss or your dad tells you what the task is and how you need to perform, but he or she is operating under the assumption that you care enough about the work to get it done. Stressing about the task is simply your reaction to it. 

I have a long list of projects I have not finished and about which I sometimes keep myself up at night worrying, but that is because I have placed value on them. No one else told me that those things are important to finish and deliver. Just me.

Of course, the pressure to complete tasks by a deadline is something different, but calling their incompletion a defeat is simply my own perception and label. Like the achievements I discussed last week, however, defeats are equally subjective. I see successes as moments of gratitude and I see defeats as opportunities to learn. After all, if I curled up and cried when I hit an adverse moment but did nothing about it to try something different in the future, I would never have made it past six months with a business, not to mention five service evolutions.

Let us be real, we all have curled up and cried about work before, but I am lucky that it did not keep me from wanting to try something different.  

Defeats are moments that stop you and give you a chance to say "Well, crap. I don't know XYZ" and learn something new if you  care enough about the work you are doing. If you do not care about your work and you go home knowing ahead of time that you are going to impulsively complain about the day, then it is time to reassess your goals and outlook on achievement. 

Think about that for a second...

 

Really think about it... 

 

Let it sink in...

Now that you have decided whether or not you care about evolving in your current work, do what you did last week for achievements but flip it to be about defeat:

  1. Create a working definition of defeat or failure for yourself. What comes to mind? How easily do you come to an answer?
  2. List out examples of "defeats" that you have experienced recently, and 
      1. note why you think they are defeats (external or internal? hate your job? consequences of the "failure"?)
      2. note what can be learned from that defeat

You will love the relief that comes with realizing you are not actually a failure at life. As usual, it is about perspective. It does not matter if you are a professional athlete, you work in a cubicle, you own your own business, or you are in medical school. Any stress of pressure and competition as well as any fear of failure is yours and yours alone.

Now that you really know if you care about your work or not, the choice is yours: want to curl up in a ball and cry and stay the same or do you want to curl up in a ball and cry and then evolve into a more authentic, aligned, and purposeful you?

How To Win Olympic Gold Every Day In Life And At Work

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Here is a fun fact about me: I cry every time I watch the Olympics. Yup, that is right. Huuuuuuuuuge sap right here. With a foundation of pride the athletes have in representing their country to how impressive they are in their individual skillsets, the Olympics get me EVERY. DAMN. TIME. Watching the competition can be so stressful, too, though (#Womensicehockey last night, anyone?) even though I am not competing and I have no personal stake in the outcome. I cry because no matter what the result, it is such a cool achievement to simply be there and compete in the sports about which they are all so clearly passionate. I am always fascinated, though, by the athletes' focus on winning medals as the ultimate emblem of their achievement when any athlete who has ever participated in the Olympics that did not earn a medal can still call him/herself an olympian and garner almost as much recognition for their athletic prowess than the medaling superstars. Obviously not the exposure and press conferences and sponsorships and book deals that come from winning medals and world cup championships all the time, but exposure nonetheless for the foundational reason that they are at the olympics: to compete in an athletic sport.

I have always had an odd relationship with competition and achievement. I have become more comfortable as an adult with certain forms of confrontation and in fact have become strong at conflict mediation in professional settings. My engagement in competition, however, ended after college. The subject of competition relates so much to narrative, both on the individual and cultural levels, that I will dedicate a whole post to it soon, but for now the Olympics has made me think a whole lot about the idea of achievement. 

When I watch Alpine Skiing in the Olympics (my favorite sport to watch), the cameras never stay on the competitors after the last run is skied for me to see how the athletes who did not make the podium or better yet who were pushed off the podium in the last run react to not getting a medal but still acknowledge that they did pretty darn well. Some athletes who get interviewed have trained themselves in the mindset that their effort is only worth it if they get a medal at the end. Some even focus only on gold and nothing else is acceptable. I am just an objective spectator who used to ski race (which means I know what the competitive aspect feels like even though I do not know what it is like to ski at 90mph down an ice rink in South Korea) but my personal mindset is if I ended up, say, in the top ten in an Olympic event, I would think that that is pretty darn cool! I would blast that all over social media. As a matter of fact, I may lose a medal somewhere or stress every night when I go to bed that it would get stolen. 

I have trophies from athletic exploits growing up but they are simply that: trophies. I would be disappointed if they were lost or stolen because I am an extremely sentimental person, but I would soon understand that they are simply representations of something I experienced and I do not need to hold on to the object in order to remember the achievement. Similarly, I gave away some shirts and sweaters a few days ago that I remember loving when I wore them and guess what? I am already over it. They are just fabric. 

I have thought in the past and currently think a lot about my sense of achievement with regard to starting and owning businesses like I have. I started wanting to own my own company way back in high school without a clue in the world a) how to start anything and b) what the heck it would be about. But that did not matter. I knew that was a goal. And the seed only grew.

So when I started The Tailored Quill in 2015 and I had multiple clients paying me for services before I even had a name, logo, or website, I of course saw it as an achievement. I had finally done it. I had created a business that I could call my own and I was immediately making profit. But what happened next? The same thing that happens after Shaun White wins a gold medal at the Olympics. New work begins. I had to provide what the clients asked for. I cannot rest on my laurels because then my enterprises will not survive. I can learn form my achievements just as I can learn from my failures and keep going. When I officially launched a crowdfunding campaign and blasted out announcement emails, I said "Okay, that is cool" because I achieved the learning experience of building those two campaigns, which I had never previously needed to know how to do. And that is the extent of that achievement because I then had to build the rest of the business. It is not like that automatically garnered me a hundred paying clients or meant that I could retire. On the contrary, that hardly caused a ripple. My brain made the mental note of the achievement but I knew I could not spend the rest of the day drinking champagne saying "that email campaign was so sexy. I have earned the day off."

Definitions of success have to be subjective but so many people and entrepreneurs listen to the objective societal definitions of it. You know, millions of dollars, big house, nice car, the latest clothes. 'merican Dream! I sort of fell prey to those ideals for a while until I realized that I have absolutely zero interest in living in a ginormous mansion. As soon as I was able to ground my goals and interests in contrast to those of society, new goals for myself and my companies were dramatically different. Achievement is no longer assigned to a monumental accomplishment but instead takes the form of teeny tiny things. 

For example, I bought a cardboard box and packaging tape at the post office this morning. There was no line (which is a miracle in itself), the box is the perfect size, and the tape does not get all bunched up and stuck on itself. The post office should get a gold medal for that because it started my day off so nicely and smoothly and it even got me stoked to tackle the other tedious items on my to-do list today. 

I have learned that achievement of the tiniest things make the biggest difference to me. I do not need to have a multi-billion dollar business on my own and I also do not want to deal with all of the staff members that a multi-billion dollar business would require. Instead, testing out a new social media strategy yesterday for the fun of it was a win. Feeling confident and comfortable expressing myself over this platform every week is a victory. Maintaining two businesses that have been profitable since both of their inceptions is my gold medal.

In reality, achievement is recognizing that for which you are grateful. I am grateful that my businesses are profitable but I am not bragging about it as though it means I have attained enlightenment over all other business people in the world. I am thankful that I was taught the new social media strategy and that it is something I can comfortably sit down and put into action. Gratitude moves you forward. 

There is an awesome scene in the military film Jarhead in which a couple soldiers are talking animatedly about the video game level that one of them is about to beat and another soldier flatly chimes in "You know what happens when you beat that game? Nothing. You start over." Humorous buzzkill but he has a point. I can be excited when I beat a level in Candy Crush but all that means is that I move on to the next level, the next challenge. I am grateful for the skills, knowledge, and strategy I used to beat that level, though. 

Achievement is what you make it, so here is your homework:

  1. Rewrite your to-do list, but this time double check to see if any tasks could be broken down to even smaller chunks that are more easily achieved. Make sure your goals are realistic for the time and resources you have available. 
  2. Define success for yourself. Whether a casual brainstorm or a formal statement, getting something down on paper that does not appease society or your mom or your overzealous business partner will feel oh so good. What is success to YOU? A bulleted list of long term goals is just as acceptable as a fantasy paragraph about where you want to live. You will not be graded.

Start thinking about what achievement looks like in your daily lives. That way, you can be like me and say "huh, that was cool" when you learn something new and cross your unique personally realistic goals off of your list every day. I am grateful to you for reading this post and I count that as an achievement. No medal necessary. 

FRIEND-REQUEST YOUR STRESS: How to optimize your learning in an overstimulating world

I saw a meme once that alluded to the fact that the purpose of school is to fill us in on what has been going on in the world before now. Simply to catch us up on why are learning in the first place. Yeah, I see your wheels turning. You are thinking back to that social studies class where you learned about the Ice Man in the Himalayas or Alps and are curious how that applies to your accounting job now. It is kinda disheartening to think about all the classes we have sat through and wonder what you learned and why.

Pause for a deep breath.

We have learned a lot in our lives. Everything in life is learning even if not in a classroom. What is taught in school is constantly evolving. Evolution is change. Change causes stress. When I am learning something new - like when I had to teach myself my own bookkeeping a few years ago - I have a miniature panic attack at the beginning. Just a little one. It has to happen because it is human. Getting unexpected instructions at work right now is like getting homework at the end of a class period. It suddenly stresses you out a bit because you did not know of it before.

And what is worse, WE ALL HAVE DIFFERENT LEARNING STYLES. Not only do our bosses and teachers all have different personalities that lead to different teaching styles, every student and employee has a totally different learning style. No wonder communication breakdown is the primary cause of job dissatisfaction. But I digress. More on that later...

Learning something new causes stress. Straight up. And that stress is tied to a unique learning style.

Perfect example: Someone very dear to me learned how to administer stress tests while studying Exercise Physiology back in college. She was verbally taught all the step-by-step procedures to administer the test, what each apparatus and programmatic feature was, and how to explain the process to the subject. All good and interesting, except she had no clue how it all fit together. Cue the minor panic attack (Stressing about a stress test: priceless). Luckily she had initiative and has the same blended learning style as I do so, come time to demonstrate the stress test in the lab portion, she did not hesitate to volunteer. Even though she did not fully understand what was about to happen from a practical perspective, her engagement in the demonstration made her consolidate all of the information and understand the process to every detail.

Not all of us have the initiative that she did to take the risk and volunteer to be a test dummy, but we all feel those sudden rushes of momentary panic when we are taught something and do not understand it. All you have to do is recognize it and move on.  Even if you do not ask for help at that point, you must keep going. Reread the textbook seventeen times, stare at the math problem, google how to do what your boss just asked you to do.

We live in a world that is completely flooded with information. Words, images, data everywhere. I thought there was a lot of information to learn back in middle school when we did not yet have cell phones or AOL. Now look where we are. Something new is thrown at us in alarming fashion a zillion times a day. A lot of it we do not consciously notice but our brains and bodies register. It is a lot. Some would say too much. If the overload of information does not match your learning style, anxiety is bound to arise. We are learning new information both consciously and unconsciously from so many new sources all of the time that overwhelm will happen. It is guaranteed and it will not stop.

But here is all you have to do:  Accept that. Yeah, that is all. You are going to get anxious. Every day you are going to get presented with something new to absorb into your limited capacity brain tissue, and it will cause stress. Do not shy away from it, though. It is just your brain wiggling and adjusting itself to store more information. Own it. Expect it.

Why? So you are not surprised when the stress pops up. That way, you will recognize the stress simply as your response to the change and then you will be more open and comfortable to learn the new thing or take on the new task even though it is unfamiliar and unexpected. 

So say hi to your stress, do not push it away. You might learn something from it.

1. WHAT IS YOUR LEARNING STYLE? 2. ACHIEVE GREATNESS.

Technology affects the way kids learn. I spoke about it last week. The reason I spoke about it last week is because it is simply scary how quickly the use of technology can pervade our lives, habits, and psyches. All you Millennials out there, remember college (the awkward 2-12 years ago, depending on who you are)? My college years occurred in the time frame when students already owned their own laptops prior to entering freshman year instead of my sister's time frame in which her college loaned them to students and said "now, this is called a laptop. You can do homework on it on top of your lap." My laptop was large and clunky and its fan made such a powerful whirring sound that it sounded like a malfunctioning boat motor that often dissuaded me from working in the library.

This was the time period when people started taking notes in class on their laptops and ballpoint pen sales began to drop. I have never taken notes on a laptop (regardless of its motorboat sound). I have always loved and needed the tactile feedback of writing notes with a pen in the layout that best suited my absorption of the material. That is not to say that my classmate in the row ahead of me did not receive the same comprehension from typing his notes out into a ready-made study guide while simultaneously checking Facebook notifications. 

The thing is we all learn in different ways. Even "visual learners" learn differently amongst each other, just as "hands-on" learners require different tactile stimuli. And that was before modern technology became a tool you could use. Picture two cavepeople, one a visual learner and the other a hands-on learner, trying to communicate to one another how to make a fire. One would be drawing it out with a stick in the sand while the other is wondering how the sand will turn into burning wood.

Being the unique weirdo that I am, I fall somewhere in between. High school math was a great example (why do I always return to math class in these blog posts?). I would need to watch the teacher explain a concept sequence on the board a few times, then ideally have the teacher watch me try it on my own and correct me, then I would be perfect. I would totally get it. The second it became more collaborative - after I got the general idea and the teacher provided the specifics, proactively or as feedback - I was good to go. 

All it came down to is a personalized application to my life. Here is how: the teacher teaches in their unique teaching style to a bunch of hormone-distracted children who each have their own slightly special learning style. Since the teacher is teaching in such a way for everyone to learn and I sit there unsure how this fits with my learning style, let alone the rest of my life, there is an element of connection that is missing. I am not connected to the material because I do not know how it should connect to me. 

All it takes is one comment slightly more tailored to my learning experience and BOOM, math was fun. In business, everything is learning. Since I chose to be an entrepreneur in the business world, seriously EVERYTHING IS LEARNING. When I made my first website, I just said "Allrighty then, I guess I will figure it out as I go." And I did! I was open to the journey and threw caution to the wind. 

But let us think about when you cannot do something alone. Like when you talk to a designer about a logo, or a landscaper to quote a construction project, it is very rare anymore for customers to trust providers at face value, so automatically the provider becomes like my math teacher in that they must convey their information and value but then explain it in the context of your specific need. That is when it becomes collaborative. Teamwork makes the dream work.

Just like hot yoga, a lot of people do not know how narrative coaching would benefit their life and wellness. I could explain the history of narrative, the transformation of branding trends in conjunction with technological advancements, and the psychosocial importance of personal storytelling in an oversaturated and disconnected market, but then my listener will think "Wow he knows a lot" and then go back to a job they dislike. Instead of showing how much of a narrative nerd I am, I enact what my math teacher did for me and collaboratively caress the needs of a prospective client with a personalized explanation that applies to them.

Let us be clear, though: it is not about me, it is about you. It is about your learning style and how we can work together to make that fire. Your learning style is unique, your career development needs are unique, your personal goals are unique, so any way that you work toward them will have to be unique. It is just another math equation: uniqueness of need = uniqueness of action.

The fun part about my job is that I get to help you discover that uniqueness WITH you, not FOR you. It is collaborative so that a) we both learn and b) you do not have to feel like I did a lot of days in math class staring at the board not knowing where to start. 

A starting point can be anywhere, so tell me: how do you like to learn?

The Two Most Important Questions to Ask Yourself About Your Life

I majored in Neuroscience in college. Remember how I said I am a nerd? If you need more confirmation, just keep reading. 

But seriously, I majored in Neuroscience (and now own two businesses? How does that work??). I went to a liberal arts college and went in with the most common liberal arts course of study: UNDECLARED. I thought I wanted to study history, so Freshman fall, right off the bat, I took an Ancient Greek History course. Greek and Roman histories are my favorite so I thought this would be a great place to start exploring. So many names and dates, thought papers, and discussion classes later, I realized that the bleak career prospects were not enough to appeal my interests in the subject.

My second choice was psychology because I had enjoyed it in high school. Freshman spring I took intro psych with a visiting professor who spoke to a lecture hall full of forty students as though they were teeny tiny toddlers learning how to keep drool in their mouths for the first time (I think she was a child psychologist by trade). Beyond her tone, cadence, and overall way of interacting with us, her lectures were slow and her tests were hard. HOWEVER, a neuroscientist from Indiana University who somehow happened to be in Middlebury, VT, exactly when we needed to learn the anatomy of the brain and nervous system (?), presented the neuroscience lecture and holy smokeshow I fell in love.

No, not with him. With his sweet, beautiful, nerdy words about the brain and nerve cells and autonomic responses. Speaking of autonomic responses: I was autonomically reacting to the subject matter in the same manner I did when I first fell in love with a human female.

Flashback to exactly a year before that: In high school AP Biology senior year, I did not hesitate to dissect the brain of a fetal pig even though the internal body systems were all that were required for the lab report grade. I painstakingly chipped away at the skull and gently shaved it away so as not to damage the brain tissue underneath. I peeled off the coating of the brain and slowly wiggled the brain out of the spinal column.

I had no idea why I so comfortably volunteered to do it and immediately went after it in my free periods or why I took suchpride in holding the brain of another animal in the palm of my hand, but it happened all the same. I was in flow.

Fast forward a year and even though a brain was not in my hand, the love was back in my heart. I immediately declared neuroscience, found my advisor, and signed up for all the classes in the major I could. I even finished my general ed requirements by the end of Sophomore fall so that I could literally spend two and a half full years nerding out on the best subject matter of all time. 

I will never forget sophomore spring when I took four science classes in my major, two of which had labs, and people began to ask me: "so what are you going to do with neuroscience?"

Good question, though it is beyond me why I was being asked that mere months after I declared and before I was even halfway done my college tenure. Despite that, this is what it came down to: it did not matter. Who cared what I did with it? I did not care. I had no interest in going into the field of neuroscience at the time but I simply loved the subject so damn much. 

On a particularly stressful night before I probably had two exams, a paper, and a lot of reading assigned, my dad asked me on the phone: "why are you studying it then if it is causing you that much stress?" I know he cared about my health and was genuinely concerned, and I was equally genuine when I shrugged to myself and answered: "because I love it."

I still do not know why I fell so hard in love with neuroscience, but there also does not need to be an explanation. It simply clicked.

We all have unique interests and we are all presented with choices.

What to study, where to live, where to move, where to travel, how to get there, what job to get, what career to create.

No matter your interests, there is something in a choice that connects to who you uniquely are as a person that pulls you toward an option or away from one. Either way, the choice you make says more about you than the choices on their own. Something inside me guided me to work on that pig's brain and that says a lot more about my personality than it does about the fact that a fetal pig was lying on the lab counter in front of me with an untouched head. 

What is it about you that guides your decisions? Why are you where you are? It is okay if the answer is: I made a mistake. That is fine because it is accountability for a choice you made. Even if it turned out to be a mistake, you still made a choice and that act says a lot about who you are and where you are in your life. 

So question number one is: no matter what choices you made to be in the spot you are right now, what do you love about what you are doing? Think about it. Is it something about the work itself? Do you just enjoy the commute? Are you thankful that your job sucks and it gives you something to complain about? What is it for you? Why do you get up and do it all the time?

I have discovered - only recently, mind you - that the unique love I have for neuroscience is about the exploration. I will get into more of that at a later time, but it suffices to say that the architecture of the brain and its organization and functions present the opportunity to explain everything about who we all are. I think the brain is cool as a physical object, sure, but that is not why I took so much time and care to breach the pig's skull. It is because the experience offered an opportunity for exploration. 

So question number two is: now that you know what you love, what do you want to do about it?

Where do you want to take it? Is there a change you want to make, or a next step within your role that you want to take? What are you going to do with your love?

A lot of people I work with hit this point where they realize there is something in what they do that they love that keeps them going every day and that they want to do something about...but they are terrified of taking a next step because they cannot articulate answers to these two questions.

I have answered them for myself, and the second answer continues to evolve, but that is okay. That is the process. When you are in love, the feelings evolve. The nature of the connection evolves. 

What evolution are you hoping for?

How My Three Brand Pillars Will Change Your Life

Last week I introduced to you to the three pillars on which my services are based - Awareness, Acceptance, and Accountability - and now I am going to tell you how they can be used to rock your world and change your life.

To start, let us take it back for a second. I am the youngest of three kids. I have been known as the baby, the little prince, the perfect one, the favorite, and some others, but I swear none of those have gone to my head, I swear. 

Did I mention I was the favorite? Anyways...  I got to observe all of my family interactions from day one. All of the questions, the activities, the arguments, and the love. Before I even knew that I was a "person", I was filling up my brain with little notes and observations about personality and motivations. As I grew a consciousness, I began to notice I had biases, interests, and dislikes, and that they began to affect decisions I made. Those interests and decisions led me to set goals and voila! Awareness laid the groundwork for direction. 

My self awareness was built by life events that came with getting a little bit older. Golden example: the terrifying experience of calling the dentist's office that I described a few posts back. When I was little-little and didn't know I had a voice or what a telephone was, someone made the appointment for me. In my example, I had become old enough to know how to use a phone and that that was how appointments got scheduled, but I did not know the right way to schedule one. 

This is the acceptance. The combination of self awareness and more life experiences showed me what I did not know.

I thought that there was a right or wrong way to schedule an appointment with the dentist and plainly did not know how to do it. Even though I panicked before I asked for help, the panic on its own is a form of acceptance - I was panicking that I did not know something!

But then I learned how to do it. I asked for help and called the darn dentist's office. I stuttered my words, but I achieved my goal. And there comes the accountability. As soon I learned how to make a dentist's appointment, I would be expected to do so in the future. Since I now had the new ability to call their office, I bore that privileged responsibility.

Okay, why is he talking about the dentist's office so much? Because it is real life. It is a mundane, every day challenge that someone could face growing up. And it is an example of positive change that my business provides. Sure, I could help you with calling the dentist because I am now an expert, but I also mean applying the three As to not only a business but your personal life as well. 

Lightning round: A RELATIONSHIP YOU ARE IN

  1. Awareness = your emotions for the other person, your capacity for vulnerability, maybe even what you are looking for out of a partner or relationship, and, of course, where you fall short in the connection.
  2. Acceptance = that you are not perfect - SPOILER ALERT - and you do not know everything and that, in your emotional discomfort, you are dating the person with whom you can communicate and ask for help
  3. Accountability = you are dating the person with whom you can communicate and ask for help. Now that you know how to, you can continue to in the future andddddddd boom, the connection gets stronger.

You are welcome. 

Now let's circle back to business. If you are starting a business or have started one and for whatever reason chose to skip over your narrative exploration (shameful), all you have to do is frame your reflection with these three pillars. For example:

  • Awareness = your business idea, your desire to start your own thing, and maybe even the first step to designing your product.
  • Acceptance = that you do not know how to make a business plan, do marketing of any kind, or in what kind of guidance youwant to invest.
  • Accountability = as soon as you do ask for help or receive guidance, you have the responsibility to not only advocate for any help as needed in the future but also follow up on that guidance and do what was advised.

In other words:

  • Awareness = your goal
  • Acceptance = current state / what you need to learn
  • Accountability = learning and taking action

This is why people recruit friends or hire people like me to keep them diligent. Accountability often is most effective when its source is someone or something external to you but, if it is not rooted in a passion that you are aware of, you will not stay motivated or you will veer off in the wrong direction.

One of the defining principles of true narrative is aspiration, and these three As make up the car that drives the aspiration forward. They provide direction. Apply them to your life. Where are you feeling stuck and wanting direction?

These three pillars can be used to provide direction as well as give you a boost of an action plan to pursue a goal in any realm of your life.

Conversations with coworkers, date night, cooking a meal, running a marathon, running a country, starting a business...

Knowledge is power. You cannot get to true Accountability without digging into your self awareness and goals...

...so let's get started.